ANTI-MEN JOKES

ANTI-MEN JOKES

A guy goes home with a tube of KY jelly and says to his wife, "This will make you happy
tonight." He was right. The wife squirted it all over the bedroom doorknobs, so couldn't
get back in.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in
the world" The woman replies, "I'll miss you."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," A guy says to his wife as he steps out of the
shower. "What do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn naked?"
“Hum”, replied the wife, "Probably that I married you for your money."
A guy is in bed with is new girl friend and says, “Since I first laid eyes on you, I've
wanted to make love to you really badly.”
“Well” says the girl”, “You did and it was!”
A guy says to his wife, “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She replies, “That's a great idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa
and watch TV!”
A guy says to his wife, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give
you?”
She replies, “Turn sideways and look in the mirror!”

Q: What's a holiday for toothpaste?
A: "Crest" mas!

Q: Which celebrity is afraid of Christmas?
A: Noel Coward

Q: Would a Christmas tree grow in Los Angeles?
A: Nope, but Hollywood!

Q: Did you here about the girl that started dating a postman?
A: Apparently she likes to call him her mail friend.

Q: What part of a fish weighs the most?
A: The scales

Q: Why wouldn’t they let the butterfly into the dance?
A: Because it was a mothball.

Q: If you drop a white hat into the red sea what does it become?
A: Wet

Q: Why did the crab get arrested?
A: Because he was always pinching things!

Q: What musical instrument do farmer like to play?
A: The tubers.

Q: What’s an
e
k
a
c
is an upside down
c
a
k
e
“Hey bar tender why are you scrubbing and polishing the bar surface so hard?”
“Well sir”, replied the bar tender, “most people here like their whiskey severed neat."
Did you hear about the hooker that got caught sleeping on the job?
Apparently she was laid off.

Q: What’s the difference between hard and light?
A: I’ve never had any trouble sleeping with the light on!

Q: Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon?
A: He stood in front of a fire and melted!
Patent: Hey Doc! Everyone thinks I'm a liar!
Doctor: Sorry but, I don't believe you!

Q: How can you get your name in lights the world over?
A: Change your name to Emergency Exit!

Q: How do you start a polar-bear race?
A: Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!'

Q: What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo?
A: They combed the area!

Q: What do you do if your dog has ticks?
A: Don't wind him up!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
A: Billy the squid!

Q: What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire?
A: A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps!

Q: What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
A: An alarm cluck!

Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus, a sheep and a zebra?
A: A striped, woolly jumper with eight sleeves!

Q: What do you get if you cross a whale with a bird that quacks?
A: Moby Duck!

Q: What drink do frogs like best?
A: Croaker-cola!

Q: What flower can you eat?
A: A cauli-flower!

Q: What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back
from the chemist?
A: Some day my prints will come!

Q: What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television?
A: Time to get a new television!

Q: What would you do if a rhino charged you?
A: Pay him!

Q: What's the best way to catch a rabbit?
A: Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot!

Q: Which animal should you not play cards with?
A: A cheetah!

Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws.

Q: Who wrote the book, “The knickers around my ankles?”
A: Lucy Lastick!

Q: Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
A: Because it's two-tyred!

Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was standing on the deck!

Q: Why did the chicken walk onto the football pitch?
A: The referee whistled for a fowl

Q: Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
A: Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

Q: Why was the Turkey in the pop group?
A: Because he was the only one with drum-sticks!

Q: Why did the lettuce blush?
A: It saw the salad dressing

Q: Why was the belt arrested?
A: For holding up my pants

Q: What kind of nut has no shell?
A: A Doughnut

Q: What has teeth and can’t bite?
A: A comb

Q: What keys can’t open doors?
A: Monkeys, Turkeys and Donkeys

Q: What is the quietest sport?
A: Bowling you can hear a pin drop

Q: What kind of room has no doors or windows?
A: A mushroom

Q: What do you throw away when you use it and collect when you don’t need it?
A: An Anchor
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
The reason?
What good is it to have the inclination if you don't have the time?

Q: Why isn't your ear 12 inches long?
A: If it was, it would be a foot.

Q: Why is a calendar so popular?
A: Because it has a lot of dates.

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.

Q: What part of a car causes the most accidents?
A: The nut behind the wheel.

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: Because it over swept!

Q: Why is any compliment from a chicken be an insult?
A: Because it's a fowl remark.

Q: What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a goat?
A: A stuck-up kid that's hard to handle.

Q: Why are spiders like tops?
A: Because they are always spinning.

Q: Did the people laugh when the lady fell on the ice?
A: No but the ice cracked up.

Q: Why are mummies good secret agents?
A: Because they are good at keeping things under wraps!

Q: What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink?
A: A pink carnation

Q: What did Frankenstein say after his brain transplant?
A: I think I changed my mind.

Q: Why did humpty dumpty have a great fall?
A: To make up for a lousy summer

Q: Why did the farmer plant old car parts in his garden?
A: He wanted to raise a bumper crop.

Q: What bird never goes to a barber?
A: A bald eagle

Q: What does a dancer usually drink?
A: Tap water

Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: Bacon would go up.

Q: Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day?
A: Because she never marries the best man.

Q: What the fortune teller say to the saleslady when she went cloths shopping
A: I think I’m a medium.
Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.
Well, sir, it was ground only five minutes ago.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pastry chef with a soft drink.
A: Baking soda.

Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans!

Q: What should a slow runner eat before a race?
A: Ketchup

Q: What kind of banks do alligators use?
A: Riverbanks

Q: Why are movie stars cool?
A: Because they have so many fans.

Q: Where do they store Chinese boats?
A: In a junkyard.

Q: What is the smartest animal?
A: A skunk, because it makes a lot of scents (sense).

Q: What's the difference between a film and a witch's cauldron?
A: One is a motion picture. The other is a potion mixture.

Q: Why did the minister visit different car lots every day?
A: He was looking for convertibles!

THE BEST EXCUSES IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING IN THE OFFICE!!!

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management
course you sent me to."

4. "I was working smarter, not harder."

5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm!"

7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

9. "I'm in the management training program."

10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at
the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

13. "The coffee machine is broke...."

14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. Next, I watch the Walton's."

18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."

20. "I thought you [boss] were gone for the day."

ALPHABET JOKES

1.Which 3 letters of the alphabet make everything in the world move?
NRG (energy!)

2.Why is B very cool?
Because it is sitting in the AC!

3.What has four eyes but can't see?
Mississippi!

4.What letters did the boy say when he saw the empty table?
O-I-C-U-R-M-T!

5.What did A and B get in the music store?
A CD!

6.Which two letters are always jealous?
N-V!

7.What letter in the alphabet is always surprised?
The letter G!

8.What letter is always wet?
C!

9.Fred: There are only 11 letters in the alphabet.
George: No, there aren’t.
Fred: Yes, there are. T-H-E-A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

10.What begins with T ends with T and is filled with tea?
A teapot!

11.What happens once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years?
The letter M!

ROBOT HUMOR - JOKES

[1] What’s Silver and Lies in the Grass ? R2 Doo Doo…

[2] In 40 years robots will be doing most of the work Humans don’t want to do;
especially illegal robots from Mexico.

[3] A ventriloquist doing a nightclub gig with his dummy on his knee tells a dumb
robot joke; a beverage service robot stops and shouts at the ventriloquist.
“What gives you the right to stereotype artificial intelligence that way? You
should be ashamed of yourself”.
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology.
“You keep out of this, buster!” it yells, “I’m talking to the little idiot on your
knee.”

[4] A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf
pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The
golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries
out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free.
The golfer agrees and takes out the robot caddy. While on the golf course
the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit
which club. He has the best game of his life.
The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he
wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies. The pro
informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore.
The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what
happened. The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun
would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.
The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?
The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up
and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

[5] In yesterdays news was a story about a robot in the Robot Olympics that failed
the gender test; today it got hit on by Prince Charles.

[6] How many robots does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three – one to hold the
bulb and two to turn the ladder.

ENGLISH JOKES

1.No Bull
Some cattle are standing in a field when a huge gust of wind blows. All the cows fall
over, but the bulls remain standing, bracing themselves against the wind.
After a moment the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows. Again all of the cows are knocked to the
ground, but the bulls just carry on munching the grass.
Next a mini tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next
field. The bulls’ just say, "Moo" and carry on munching!
Finally, one of the cows walks up to a bull and says, "How come the wind always knocks us
over and you remain standing?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."


2.Hong Kong Dong
A guy goes on a business trip to Hong Kong and decides to spend the last night having
wild sex with a Geisha Girl. After returning home he notices a very weird green sore
festering on his penis. So he goes to his doctor.
After hearing of his trip to Hong Kong the Doc says, “You have a bad case of Hong Kong
Dong. I’m sorry to have to tell you that the only cure amputation!”
The guy is horrified and so decides to get a second opinion.
The second doc says, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right
away."
Our hero still can’t accept this and so gets a third opinion from an oriental doctor. Dr.
Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but says "These Western Doctors -
so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amputation not necessary."
Our hero is so relieved. Dr. Wong continues, "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its
own."


3.Desert Island
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years they live there,
until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and sure enough out comes a
genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my
husband and my life - I just want to go home" ... POOF she is gone.
The redhead makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" ... POOF she is
gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her "My dear what is the
matter, "I wish my friends were here" ... POOF!!!



4.Cooling Swimming
The weather was very hot, so a guy desperately wants to take a dive in the nearby lake.
He didn't bring his swimming costume, but who cares? He was alone.
So, he undresses and gets into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool
swimming, a pair of old ladies walks onto the shore in his direction.
He panics, get out of the water and grabs an old bucket. As he holds the bucket in front
of his privates he sighed with relief.
As the ladies get nearby they look at him and smile. Then one of them says,
"You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible," says the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?"
"Yes," the lady replies, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a
bottom in it."


5.The secretary
The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.
So the boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild
fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other
employee. Who told you, you could come and go as you please?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."



6.Sex On Television
A woman is walking down the street when a man carrying out a survey stops her.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" says the woman smiling.
"Could you tell me what you think about sex on TV?"
"Well," replies the woman, "It's very uncomfortable, especially when you've got the
antenna stuck up your arse!”


7.Three nuns
Three nuns are on a long train journey. To pass the time decide to tell each other what
their greatest sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out
for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor
box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the
poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third nun says that’s fascinating. "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait
to get off this train!"



8.Why E-Mail is like the Penis...
A. Some folks have it, some don't.
B. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
C. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
D. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss
that those who have it make about it.
E. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (email envy).
F. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any
real work done.
G. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the
species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most
folks today use it for fun most of the time.
H. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
I. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
J. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence
warrant.
K. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble.



9.First time
The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a prostitute. He finds one,
and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey." She undresses the boy, then herself, and lay
down on the bed. He crawls on top of her. "Okay, stick it in honey ... all the way in ... now
pull it out ... now put it back in ... now pull it out ... " "For goodness sake," says the boy,
"will you make up your god dam mind?"



10.Fat girls
A guy is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.
"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy lover boy?"
"Nope," the guy replies, "it's burning my arse!"


11.Fancy Dress
A guy is struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy dress party. Then he has a
bright idea. When the hostess answers the door, she finds the guy standing there with
no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" she asks.
"A premature ejaculation." says the man "I’ve just come in my pants!"


12.Double Decker bus
Two groups charter a double Decker bus for a weekend trip to
Atlantic City. One group is all brunette and the other is all blonde.
Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out on the bottom
level.
The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and having a great time when one
of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go
and check on them.
When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes frozen in fear, staring
straight ahead, each clutching the seat in front of them.
"Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here? We're having a GREAT time downstairs!"
One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, "Yeah, but you guys
have a driver!"


13.Two blonde guys
Two Blonde guys are in the woods hunting. One looks at the other and says, "I've got to
take a shit."
The other replies, "Well go behind one of those big trees and do it."
"Its not that simple. I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replies, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one says, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea - I'll use that!"
He leaves and 15 minutes later comes back with crap all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looks at him and asks, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replies, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes,
and a nickel?"


14.New car
A Lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car
and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over the car to feel the fine leather
upholstery, she farts rather loudly.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little
accident, and also she hoped a sales-person wasn't about to pop up. As she turns back,
there, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?” he asks.
Very uncomfortably she replies, "What is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely going to shit
yourself when you hear the price."

15.Cheesy
A bloke goes to the doctor complaining that his dick is yellowish and smells a bit cheesy.
The doctor asks him various questions but can't work out what the problem is. Finally, he
asks the bloke what he does for a living. "Nothing. I'm unemployed" he replies.
"So what do you do during the day?" enquires the doctor. "Not much," says the bloke
"I just sit around watching porn films and eat Quavers."